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| it's officially summer.
Splash opens this weekend. woot for 40 hour work weeks and SWEET tan lines. but really...there's something about that place that i just can't seem to get enough of. i'm a lifer. and sadly, i'm okay with that.
my summer class was cancelled. i don't know who my advisor is, so i don't know how to get into a new class. this is a MAJOR predicament. one day i hope to figure out the solution. hopefully that day comes soon. or i'm completely fucked.
everything about this summer so far is strange. i'm living at my grandpa's. i haven't spoken to one of the people i was inseperable from last summer, and every summer i can remember before that for a long time. and it's making me really upset. i know i could be trying harder to change it....but i don't really feel like they want me around. and i don't deal well with rejection. so i'll just keep my distance, and hope for the best.
lately i've been thinking about just moving to north carolina one day. just packing up and leaving. starting out there at a new school, with a new major. making all new friends. making a whole new life. it could be a serious possibility again. i never really think things out before i do them....but the more and more i do think about this, the better it sounds to me. who knows....i'm the most indecisive person i know. maybe doing something like this, spur of the moment, will be good for me.
last easter, i went with my friend carla to stay at her house for the weekend. i don't really know why, but i did. then all of a sudden that saturday afternoon, i decided i didn't want to spend easter away from my mom, so i called her and tried to make her drive 3 hours to come and get me. i cried, and acted like a 5 year old. and she said "no, amanda. you made the decision you didn't want to spend easter here, and now you're going to have to deal with it. i want you to learn that you have to live with the decisions you make."
for some reason that has stuck with me for over a year now.
i have to live with the decisions i make. | | |
| Sitting in that basement, surrounded by all those people, she looked around and thought "This is it. THIS is my life." A tear started to fall from her eye-she pushed it away quickly. She couldn't let them see her cry...what would they think?
"Hey-are you okay?"
"Yeah. I mean no...I don't kn-"
"OH MY GOD!! Drink BITCH!!! Hey-Who has a cigarette!?"
She quickly disregarded the fact she couldn't even carry on a meaningful conversation-or any conversation at all really, with her "best friend". Without another thought she joined in the smoking, drinking, obscene flirtation, and belligerent drunkenness of the evening.
Soon the night spiraled into it's usual out of control state, ending naked in bed with a boy who's name she barely remembered.
As she lay her head down, the room spinning, she closed her eyes tight, crossed her fingers, and prayed for rain.
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| My life scares the FUCK out of me on a daily basis.
I'm scared of commitment in more forms than I ever even dreamed a person could be....I obviously don't do relationships, but right now that's pretty much the least of my worries.
I won't commit to a major...or even school in general, really. I've been half assing it my entire life, just hoping for things to fall into place. I've had 6 majors in the past 2 years. I still don't know what to do. Honestly, my entire life I've seen myself as a teacher. As much as I say I hate it, I LOVE kids. I LOVED working at the Y last year. I MISS it. But now I feel like it's too late to go back to an education major. I feel like I've ruined my chance....my mom keeps telling me my life is just beginning, and I can make it whatever I want it to be still. But I feel like it's too late....
I still won't commit to where I'm going to be a year from now. I still haven't made an advising appt. at SIUE or found a place to live for next year....and I also haven't sent in my confirmation for UNCA or looked into housing out there at all....I'm so scared to leave everyone here...mostly because I think I'll see that they can all move on with their lives without me NO PROBLEM. And it won't be like that for me. It's gonna be hard as HELL to move across the country, no friends, no life, no nothing. But alot of times I think that's exactly what I need. To test myself. To find out WHO I am and WHAT I want in life. To start all over, and be a person I would RESPECT. Because right now, I'm not that person.
I don't even fully commit to friends. I get so UPSET because I feel like my high school friends are all so tight, without me. And I want to be back in that group SO BAD. But I never fully put myself out there to let them be close to me. And the CREW and all my SIUe(e-e-e) friends don't feel right all the time. I have sooo much FUN with them, but it just doesn't feel comfortable to me always. It's like every group of people I'm a part of, I'm on the outside of the group. I'm the one who could be there or not, and it wouldn't really make a difference. Anyone I would call my best friend....would have someone else as their best friend above me. And that hurts.
So who the hell am I??? What do I WANT in life???
I'm a little girl. Who pretends to be a grown up. Who pretends to have all the answers. A little girl who misses her mom so much everyday it hurts. A girl who wants to be successful in life. Who wants to learn how to make the right decisions. Who wants to find her one true passion in life. A girl who wants to be thought of as caring, and funny, and loving, and determined. A girl who wants to fall head over heels in love, get married, have the house with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog, and live out the American dream. A girl who at the exact same time wants to never live that norm. Who wants to pack up everything she owns and just take off...California, New York...anywhere. To just drive, and see where her life takes her. A girl who wants to live every minute of her life without a second-thought...to have no regrets and live the most amazing life she possibly can.
I want to be willing to work HARD. I want to tell the people I love how much they MEAN TO ME. I want to learn to PUT MYSELF OUT THERE. I want to be TESTED and I want to PROVE MYSELF. I want to show that I am STRONG and INDEPENDENT and I want to make myself into someone I'm PROUD to be.
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| I realized a lot about myself this weekend. And I'm so disappointed in myself because of it.
I know nothing about the world. Nothing about poverty, religion, disease, culture...nothing. I have the world at my fingertips, with more resources to learn about these things than many people could ever even dream of, and I know nothing. It's sad. And pathetic.
I'm in college. I'm LUCKY to be in college. So many people in the world will NEVER get a chance to go to college, and if they did they would take complete and total advantage of every second they were there. They would go to every single class, take in every single page of notes, study for every quiz or test, and go above and beyond on every single paper. I do none of those things. I go out and get belligerently drunk, and can't make it to class .I sleep. I skip class. I text instead of taking notes. I barely get by on tests, quizzes, and papers.
I have no direction in my life. I realized this week that I like people. I like watching people. Alone or interacting with others. I like learning about people. Why they act they way they do, what they're thinking. Why the have the feelings they have towards different issues. Next semester I have an Anthropology class, and I'm really excited about it. I'm thinking that maybe that class will help me to realize what I want to do with my life, and give me the push in whatever direction I need to go.
AST is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I know that a lot of the time it sucks, and I hate it. But in the long run, it's going to help make me into the person I want to be. It's going to keep me focused, it's going to keep me moving forward. I've already learned so much about myself and other people, and I could not be any more thankful than I am that I got a chance to be part of such an amazing group of people.
I'm the picture of a cliche. And it makes me sick to my stomach. I love my sorority. I was a cheerleader all through high school. I know white, middle class people. I live and have lived in white, middle class neighborhoods. I'm not diverse in any way. And it took me 19 years to realize that. | | |
| I've become much too good
At being invinvcible
I'm an expert
At play it safe
And keep it cool
But I swear
This isn't who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll over me
I'm the best actress of anyone I've ever met in my life. How can I keep playing this role when it's killing me? I'm everyone's therapist. I'm everyone's support system. I've pushed every single person I care about as far away from me as physically possible. And not a damn person pushed back. I'm all alone, and I'm absolutely miserable. I have no idea why I'm in school. For the life of me I couldn't tell you what I want to do with my life. I'm floating...and pretty damn soon, I'm gonna start sinking.
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